


Holistically Nonsensical

by Cabbagiez



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Childhood Trauma, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, Dirk doesn't know what a playground is, Gen, Hallucinations, McDonald's, Medication, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Playgrounds, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently), Tattoos, because you know, mostly cuz of blackwing, pararibulitis does that, the year is 2001 by the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26381146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cabbagiez/pseuds/Cabbagiez
Summary: Today should have been a completely normal day, for Todd Brotzman and his little sister Amanda. Sure, the fifteen year old had feigned fear of another attack to avoid bringing Amanda to the playground- and sure, this had done nothing but make his parents insist he go. But, that was normal. All of that was normal. So was, in fact, his sister running ahead and babbling about things that weren’t quite real. Even upon getting to the playground there was absolutely no sign of anything out of the ordinary. Except, of course, for one thing.-When Todd and his little sister Amanda discover a strange boy they've never seen before, it's soon obvious that their life will not be going back to normal any time soon. If it was in the first place, anyway.
Relationships: Amanda Brotzman & Dirk Gently, Amanda Brotzman & Todd Brotzman, Todd Brotzman & Dirk Gently, but not much - Relationship, hints of brotzly - Relationship, so - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	Holistically Nonsensical

Today should have been a completely normal day, for Todd Brotzman and his little sister Amanda. Sure, the fifteen year old had feigned fear of another attack to avoid bringing Amanda to the playground- and sure, this had done nothing but make his parents insist he go. But, that was normal. All of that was normal. So was, in fact, his sister running ahead and babbling about things that weren’t quite real. Even upon getting to the playground there was absolutely no sign of anything out of the ordinary. Except, of course, for one thing.

“I’ve never seen him before,” Amanda observed, pointing at a boy. He was sat on a swing, holding his arms to his chest and swaying gently. Nothing about him seemed particularly abnormal, other than his clothes. He had an old button up that once had been long sleeved slung over a stained white tank top, and an even older leather jacket resting in his lap. 

“Me neither,” Todd admitted, looking beside him at Amanda. But Amanda wasn’t beside him- why would she be? Something in her had told her to walk up to the boy, and so she did fearlessly. 

“Hi!” The little girl said with a gap-toothed grin. 

“Oh- hi,” the boy jolted before replying, offering a nervous yet happy smile in return. Todd ran up behind Amanda, internally cursing his sister’s excitement.

“Amanda- don’t bug the kid, come on… Sorry, man, she likes meeting strangers-“

“Oh, no, it’s okay!” The boy replied happily, the smile on his face growing at the prospect of meeting not one but  _ two _ new people. “I don’t mind, really. I’m new- very new! Never been here before! But of course if I had I wouldn’t be new now would I? It doesn’t matter anyway! I’m  _ Dirk!  _ Dirk Cjelli!”

Todd’s mouth hung open. That had been. A lot of words to process. He couldn’t even think of how to reply, which made Amanda butting in a lot easier.

“Hi Dirk! I’m Amanda, he’s Todd. Cjelli is a weird last name-“

“ _ Amanda! _ ”

“I  _ know, _ right? I’ve been trying to think of what to replace it with- it’s  _ way _ harder than replacing your first!”

Amanda gasped giddily. “You changed your first name?  _ No _ way!” 

“Way! My old first name was  _ awful _ , so hard to say for other people and just plain painful to listen to! So, I changed it to Dirk. What do you think?”

“I think- that Dirk is a cool name,” Todd interrupted, “ _ but _ me and Amanda have some good. Quality playground time to get to- soo, goodbye, Dirk-!”

“Oh! Right! I’ve been meaning to ask someone… what  _ is _ this?” Dirk asked, gesturing to the whole area.

“Uh- what do you mean, what is this?” Todd asked. This kid was around his age, how did he not know?  _ I mean, he is British, maybe they don’t have playgrounds- no, that’s stupid. _

“I mean what is-“ He hopped off the swing, spinning around and gesturing to everything, “THIS! All this! It’s incredible, is what it is, but I really can’t figure out a purpose-“

“It’s a playground!” Amanda interrupted, “you play on it! Wanna see?”

“Boy, do I!” Dirk replied, letting Amanda lead him off to the slide with nary a care in the world. Todd pulled his hoodie a little closer, trying to process what the hell just happened.

“So he’s like… fifteen… he doesn’t know what a playground is, he’s British, he changed his first name, and his last name sounds… Weird.” Todd slumped into the swing. “How am I going to explain who we met today to Mom and Dad?”

Meanwhile, Amanda cheerfully showed her new friend around the playground, answering all his questions with all the zeal of a 5 year old being spoken to like a teen. “So Dirk! This is a seesaw!” Amanda said, trying to pull one end of it down so she could get on.

“A seesaw? Interesting!” Dirk said, pulling it down for her and holding it while she climbed on. “So what do I do?”

“You climb on the other end!” Amanda replied, grinning happily and holding on tight as Dirk climbed on the other end. “And now that you and I are on different ends, you push off and go up!”

Dirk paused and nodded, pushing off the ground with as much force as he could muster. “ _ Whoo! _ This, Amanda, is thrilling!” He said with a cheer, waving his arms near his face and- “ _ Whoa! _ ” Nearly falling off the seesaw.

“Oh- hold on! You might fall off if you’re not careful!” Amanda said, pushing off and sending Dirk down. “If you think this is thrilling, you’ve never been on a roller coaster!”

“Neither have you, Amanda!” Todd called out, having moved over to where they were. “You’re too short for roller coasters, remember?”

“Well, you’ve been on roller coasters! Until last year anyway…” Amanda scratched her neck as Dirk pushed off again.

“What’s a roller coaster?” Dirk asked.

“Oh man, you’re  _ so _ coming with us next time we go to an amusement park,” Todd said, smiling at them both. He was starting to like this guy, even despite himself.

“I would  _ love _ that, Todd! You know, you and Amanda are the  _ first _ friends I’ve made  _ all _ year!” Dirk replied.

“Woah, really? Well, uh, glad we met you then, man.” Todd gave Dirk a thumbs up. “Hey uh- me and Amanda usually go get some fast food after we go to the playground, if it’s been a good day for me. Wanna come with? I have enough money for all three of us.” 

Dirk lit up like a Christmas tree, and couldn’t contain his excitement. He let go of the seesaw and waved his arms in front of him again, promptly. Falling off the seesaw and almost onto Todd. “Oww- but to answer your question, Todd, I would absolutely love to! Can I get a hamburger- no, a  _ cheeseburger? _ ”

Amanda laughed as she hopped off. “You can get whatever Todd can buy!” She said, taking their hands and swinging their arms a bit.

“Uh- yeah, what Amanda said,” Todd added, smiling at the boy.

“You’re serious?” Dirk asked, wide eyed.

“Absolutely. C’mon, we have to walk there,” Todd said, leading his sister and newfound friend in the direction or the restaurant. Dirk delayed just a moment, thinking he saw a strange car but- no, he was just seeing things. Everything was fine! 

It wasn’t long before they arrived safe and sound, and Dirk looked excitedly at the other two once they did. “We’re- we’re eating  _ here? _ ” He asked, with childlike glee.

“I mean- yeah, it’s McDonald’s, it’s not exactly gourmet,” Todd replied, laughing.

“Todd, I’ll tell you a secret- to me,  _ all _ food is gourmet,” Dirk said, in an almost comically serious tone.

“Well, bone appetit!” Amanda said through giggles, clapping happily. “I can get a happy meal, right, Todd?”

“Yeah, you can get a happy meal,” Todd replied, “and I’ll get you the spy kids toy.” 

“Yes! Thank you thank you thank you!” Amanda said, grinning brightly and spinning. Dirk squinted at the menu, trying to figure out what he should get.

“What are you getting, Todd?”

“Me? Probably uh, chicken nuggets. And fries. Not a happy meal though-“

“What do you think  _ I _ should get?”

“I dunno,” Todd replied, “you look. Hungry, so…”

“I  _ am  _ hungry! Almost ridiculously so,” Dirk admitted, putting on his jacket after Todd looked a little too long, his cheeks tinted red.

“Well, if you’re hungry… how about I get a 20 piece and you get a Big Mac- and if you’re still hungry after you eat your Big Mac, we share the 20 piece. How’s that sound?” Todd asked, hiding his blush by bringing attention back to the food. 

“Uh- well- are you sure you can get that much?” Dirk asked.

“One happy meal for Amanda, one 20 piece McNugget for me, and one Big Mac for you- yeah, I should be able to,” Todd replied. “Dad gave me enough money- and Amanda has her piggy bank money.”

“Yep! Smashed that sucker yesterday!” Amanda said proudly, grinning at Dirk.

“So yeah- you two grab a table and I’ll order, okay?” Todd suggested.

“You got it, Todd!” Dirk said happily, taking Amanda’s hand and letting himself be led over to a random table. “So we just wait?” He asked as they sat.

“Yep! Wait and try not to make a mess,” Amanda confirmed. She was a little surprised by Dirk honestly- usually people asking kids like her questions were being patronizing. But she could tell Dirk  _ really _ didn’t know what these were or what to do- so she was more than happy to help! 

“Right! Uh, sorry for all the questions- the amount of things I don’t know is really quite ludicrous,” Dirk said, fidgeting with his sleeves and accidentally revealing a mark on his wrist.

“It’s okay! I don’t mind- What’s that?” Amanda asked, leaning forward to look at his wrist.

“Uh- well- nothing,” Dirk replied, offering a shaky and not at all convincing smile.

“C’moon, if you show me I promise I won’t tell Todd!” Amanda said, giving Dirk the best puppy dog eyes she could muster. 

“...Really promise? Not like, one of those promises where you say you promise but you actually go back on it secretly and get me in trouble?”

Amanda let a little laugh loose. “ _ Really _ promise of course!” She said, offering her pinkie. “Here, if we pinkie promise I  _ really _ can’t go back on it.”

Dirk hesitated. He knew better- no one ever actually kept promises. But, Amanda was so nice to him, and her smile was real. So he hooked pinkies with her, letting go soon after. “Alright,” he said, taking one of his arms out of his jacket and resting it on the table, palm up. On his wrist was a tattooed black symbol, a rhombus cut through the middle with a circle inside. Amanda reached to touch it, only making contact when Dirk nodded to her.

“ _ Woah, _ ” she breathed, tracing the symbol with a small finger, “aren’t you like, Todd’s age? Did you do this yourself?”

“Nope,” Dirk said, “to- the second question. The first one, I think so?”

“Right,” Amanda said, nodding. “Wait- if you didn’t do that- who did it to you?”

“Hey guys- I got the food!” Todd interrupted, Dirk hastily pulling his jacket back on and getting up to help him with the tray. “I got you and Amanda sodas too- I know Amanda likes Coke but I wasn’t sure about you so, is sprite good?”

Dirk took the cup Todd was indicating, taking a long sip. “Sprite is  _ fantastic, _ ” he decided with a grin. “You have it handled right?”

“Right,” Todd replied, setting the tray down and passing out the food. “We have a Big Mac for you, nuggets for me, and a happy meal for Amanda!” He smiled and sat, opening his box and digging in. Amanda followed soon after, leaving only Dirk who hadn’t started eating. “You… gonna start eating, Dirk?”

“I can?” Dirk asked, startled.

“I mean, yeah, I gave you your food- once you get food, you start eating.”

“Oh! Oh, I knew that,” Dirk said, starting immediately. 

Amanda raised her eyebrows. 

Dirk raised his in return. 

She cocked her head in the direction of his wrist. 

He squinted and shook his head, wiggling his pinkie to remind her. 

She pouted, shaking her head in return, then nodded to the burger then the wrist. 

Dirk made an  _ oh _ face, then nodded with a scowl.

“Are- are you two having a conversation?” Todd asked.

“No.”

“Maybe?”

“Are we?”

“I guess?”

“Okay- enough, you two. Anything you want to share with the class?”

“Nope!” They decided in unison. 

“Ookay,” Todd said. He was beginning to feel a little tense, as he took slow bites of each nugget. Even Dirk noticed, but Todd didn’t mention it since he didn’t know why. Until he bit into one more, and felt something slice his mouth. He  _ screamed. _

“Todd- Todd, what’s the matter?” Dirk asked as Todd fell from his seat, covering his mouth to contain blood that wasn’t there.

“Oh no-“ Amanda said, getting up and trying to help him. “Todd- you have your pills right?” She asked, yelling to be heard through Todd’s panic and pained whimpers.

He’d never felt this before.

He didn’t know this was what it was actually like, he thought his family had been exaggerating- thought  _ he _ was exaggerating every time he faked an attack. But no. This was real, and awful. Todd managed to nod, patting the pocket of his hoodie with one hand. Amanda fished the bottle of little red pills out, pouring the dose into her hand and giving it to her brother. He shoved it into his mouth, taking a long sip of the coke he bought her to wash it down.

Then, as quickly as the attack came, it was over. And all that was left was a boy shaking on the McDonald’s floor, a frightened little sister and a very, very worried new friend. 

“What  _ was _ that?” Dirk asked anxiously, wringing his hands. 

“Pararibulitis. Look, Dirk- I’m sorry, but we have to go home. Now. I- after an attack, I can’t stay. Out.”

“I certainly can’t blame you,” Dirk replied, helping Todd up.

“You can keep the nuggets, okay? Me and Amanda’ll just head home. You’ll be safe, right?”

“Me? Of course! Safest guy you’ll meet,” Dirk replied. “I’ll- see you soon?”

“Course,” Amanda answered for Todd, smiling and grabbing her toy. She tossed her wrappers and such, leading Todd to the door. “Bye Dirk!”

“Bye!” Dirk called as they left, deflating back into his seat with a huff. 

Amanda and Todd were silent throughout their walk home, though it wasn’t unpleasant. It was the silence of exhaustion more than irritation or fear, which were much less common but much, much worse. Todd was calm, and that was good. Everything was good. 

Until they passed a cafe, and Amanda noticed a man with brown and grey hair and a weird looking mustache sitting at an outside table. She would’ve indicated for Todd to avoid him, but of course-

“Afternoon!” The man said, in a tone that reminded Todd of some classmates. Friendly, but not friendly enough that you think they like you.

“Uh, afternoon, sir,” Todd replied. He seemed like a “sir,” not a mister or a “man,” or anyone you shouldn’t address with the utmost respect. For some reason, he frightened the pair.

“What are you two up to on a fine day like this?” He asked, sipping his coffee. Amanda reached for Todd’s hand, glancing back where they came. 

“Just heading home, sir,” Todd said, “From- from the community center.” 

“Ah, then don’t let me keep you- say, have you noticed anything particularly out of the ordinary?”

Todd’s mind flashed back to earlier in the day, the mysterious British boy who didn’t know what a playground was. “No, sir,” he said firmly.

“Well, in the future if you do,” the man said, writing something on a napkin and placing it into Todd’s hands, “Have your parents call me.”

“We- we will, sir,” Todd said, looking at the napkin. A phone number and a name. Riggins. 

“Have a nice day!” Riggins said cheerfully.

“You too, sir,” Todd replied, but he didn’t mean it. As they left, maybe Todd hurried them along a bit more, maybe Amanda found herself glancing back at the man. Maybe they didn’t. But they arrived home, and while Todd was being fussed over by their parents as he told them about his attack, Amanda took the note from her brother. And with a hidden nod of approval, she snuck out her bedroom window, breaking into a run back to the McDonald’s where they had left Dirk. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! More will come!


End file.
